Soberfamilies.com is becoming HelpingFamiliesHelp.com? What’s in a name?

As it turns out… a lot.

When this website was started by Portland Psychotherapy in 2012, they created a space for families to connect with CRAFT based skills and receive support through podcasts, blog posts, and webpages. Soberfamilies.com was a good name for this kind of website.  It’s short, memorable, captures who they wanted to connect with, and related the website to addictive behaviors and sobriety. It worked!

So, after 10 years, why are you changing it now?  What’s wrong with SoberFamilies.com?

As concise and smart as the name is, ever since I took over the site in 2019, I’ve always had a bit of disquiet around the moniker. The word “sober” can be pretty black and white and, in using that term, our minds start to bend towards either/or. Someone is either sober or they're not…right?  And yet reality is much more complex than this. Our job, as family members, is to encourage the environment around our loved ones, with our response to them depending on if they are currently under the influence or not. If they are sober in that moment, we lean in; two hours later when they’ve started drinking or using, we step back with the knowledge that we love them and want to connect tomorrow when they are sober again. We are paying attention to “sobriety” as a state that comes and goes in the course of a day… not as a definitive descriptor.

I also feel that using the term “sober” in the name places undue expectations on the sobriety of our loved one as an controllable outcome… when, really, our loved one’s drinking or using behavior isn’t something that we get to directly choose. Despite the title of Dr. Meyer’s seminal book for families on CRAFT called “Get Your Loved One Sober”, as family members we can’t get or make anyone do anything — all we can do is commit to a process for ourselves: the skills we practice over time, the perspectives we employ, and the qualities of action (or values) that we embody in any particular moment. To be clear, these skills are quite powerful in the long run to help encourage our loved ones towards lasting change…but we can’t make anyone be sober. (From what I understand, Dr. Meyers didn’t want that to be the name of the book either, for the same reason.)

There’s a problem, too, with our focus only being on substance use or drinking behaviors. Part of our work as family members is to widen our lens and reconnect with our loved ones as whole people. People who have cares and fears and goals…and who also have problematic substance use. The misuse of substances is a part of what is happening but it does not define them as people… nor does it define our families. It is from this stance of loving them as a whole person that we can start connecting with them, not only around the role of substances in their lives, but also how they interact with all of the other things that are also important to them.  It tends to not be helpful to aim for sobriety as the defining goal, but instead to aim for things like increased collaboration, respect, communication, connection, and health. 

And finally, Sober Families is problematic as that’s actually not what the research says! The research around CRAFT shows that loved ones who have family members practicing the skills very often reduce their use over time, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they stop using altogether. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t…. either way what we see from the data is that substance use tends to decrease, the chance for engagement in treatment increases, and the health of the family improves over time. This work is about the reduction of harm…. which may or may not include sobriety.

If we’re not calling this website Sober Families any more, how did you settle on Helping Families Help?

This website started off as a resource for families, but since 2019, it has become a place for providers as well. As helpful as this work is to families, it’s really hard to connect families with the work if there aren’t providers available to create community, support, and safe spaces for practice and encouragement! In the past several years we’ve added an email list for providers to connect and learn about training opportunities, a directory to find others who are doing the work in their area, and very recently, a listing of consult groups to connect with. 

And I love the flexibility inherent in the Helping Families Help name. We know this work helps…and in so many ways. This website is all about helping families help themselves, their loved ones, their community… as family members, as providers, as friends, as loved ones… and helping with connection, health, compassion, collaboration, reduction of harm, towards recovery… whatever that means for you, your clients, your family and your loved one. 

Okay… HelpingFamiliesHelp.com it is. How does the name change affect me?

Actually, not much will change aside from the name. The site hasn’t changed hands… I’m still running it while maintaining a full-time private practice as a clinician. It’s not changing focus… I’m still wanting to connect families with CRAFT-based information and options as well as support providers who are either offering, or interested in offering, CRAFT-based services to their communities. I likely won’t even change the design that much… I really like the color blue!

One small note for providers: I used to use HelpingFamiliesHelp.com as the access point to the provider side of the website. So, if you are a provider and used to use that URL to access that section of the site, you’ll now want to start at helpingfamilieshelp.com/for-providers. Otherwise, all of the old website links should automatically redirect to the new address…and if you had sent a blogpost link to your best friend a few months ago, they should still be able to connect to it today.

The only other thing I might note is that the rest of the roll out might take me some time. I’m not a website designer, so figuring out all the ins and outs of changing a website name has a bit of a learning curve for me. You’ll see me and the rest of the team continue to muddle through and make changes over the next few weeks. 

Anything else I need to know?

Yes….that you are appreciated! You are here, at the bottom of this post, because you care about your loved one, your family, your clients, and yourself. You value the wisdom that science offers and the stance of compassion and kindness. You want to learn and practice and grow more, as a family member or a provider… and ultimately as a human being. And for all that, I very much appreciate you!!

If you are a family member wanting to use this work within your family, please continue to read, learn, connect with others, practice, and take care of yourself in this. Use the knowledge of yourself and your loved one to help change the dynamics in the long run. Understand that while CRAFT-based approaches have perspectives and skills to offer, that you are ultimately the expert in yourself, your loved one, your family, and your circumstances… and only you know what best embodies the way you want to show up in this difficult situation.

If you are a provider offering CRAFT-based work to your community, thank you!  Please continue to remind other providers and treatment centers in your communities that families are underserved and underutilized, and that supporting families with this evidence-based approach, helps everyone... both loved ones and family members alike. Please continue to post questions and opportunities in the Helping Families Help email community, join in on the consult groups, attend the trainings, and point towards each other and lift each other up. We all need you in this work, at whatever level you can offer. Thank you for being here!

For everyone, please continue to ask me questions. Please continue to share this work. This perspective may not fit everyone, and that’s okay…but we all benefit from having options. And so many folks are unaware that CRAFT even exists. 

Finally, If you have benefitted from this website, please consider making a donation using the link at the bottom of any of the webpages. I’ve continued investing in this website as I believe in amplifying CRAFT-based work where I can, but this site is not anywhere close to financially self-sustainable (yet) and all donations simply help ease the financial burden. This is not a non-profit organization, so there is no tax benefit for you, but I would greatly appreciate the support and help with paying the bills and (eventually) for investing my time, if it is possible. (If not, absolutely no worries. Your presence is far more valuable than your monetary contribution.)

I’m excited to have this community step into the future as HelpingFamiliesHelp.com. Thank you for your time, your care, and your support.