by Cordelia Kraus

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say. 

You’ve done a want/willing/won’t list… and in doing so you have more clarity about your boundaries: what you want, what you are willing to experience, and what you won’t do.  

Now the question is… how do you let the other person know what your boundary is in a way that is effective, clear, and kind?

There are many ways to have conversations about boundaries, but one of my favorites is something using a structure that I call DIRI. DIRI (said as a word like the term of endearment “Dearie”) combines the 7 Elements of Positive Communication from CRAFT with a skill pulled from Non Violent Communication.

I first learned about this skill in a Krav Maga self defense class, where we were taught to set clear boundaries with someone who is making us uncomfortable. I’ve had to use it before: “You are following me. I don’t like it. Turn around and walk away or I’ll start yelling.” Once given that statement the other person has a clear choice… to keep following (in which case I start yelling) or to stop and turn away (in which case I don’t yell and keep walking). Lucky for me… and for him… the man that I yelled this to chose the latter.

The goal of DIRI is to offer structure for what to say (making it easier for you) in a way that makes it more likely that the other person will hear and understand. And, when all the steps of DIRI are given, it  offers them notification… they have a choice to make, and you have a plan either way.  

This skill, if softened a bit, can also be used really well with people who we want to continue to have connection with. When paired with other aspects of the 7 Elements such as Understanding Statements, Affirmations, Offering Help, and Partial Responsibility the skill can be a gentle yet strong way to make our needs known, as well as our plans for taking care of ourselves. 

Here’s how DIRI works. 

DIRI is the first letters of Describe, I feel, Request and Inform:

Describe… what they are doing that is crossing your boundaries in a way that is both specific and brief. 

I feel… give them information about your feelings around what happens when they do that

Request… offer them what you would like them to do instead in a way that is specific and positive

Inform…. Give them the information about how you will respond in the future, either way. 

Do you remember the game Mad Libs as a kid? The sentences were started and you got to fill in the blanks? DIRI is sort of like this.

When you __(Describe)____,  I feel ___(I feel)_____.  Please ___(Request)______ and if not I will ___(Inform)____.

Let’s break it down a bit more.

Describe

This is a specific and brief description of a behavior, ideally in a way that an outside observer would agree with. I often start this statement with the words “When you…”. 

Notice the difference between “When you disrespect me…” vs. “When you raise the volume of your voice…”. It’s a lot harder to argue about the volume of voice than the less specific term of “disrespect”. 

We also want to be very specific about the behavior we are talking about when possible. It’s harder to hear someone’s frustrations about years of missed dinners, but  if we can just talk about what happened last night… When you went to the bar yesterday instead of coming home for dinner…It makes the conversation smaller and a lot easier to handle.

Some examples might be:

• When you leave your socks on the floor….

• When you come home later than we agreed to….

• When you swear at me…

• When you sleep through your alarm…

• When you come home drunk…

• When you are high…

I feel

This part lets the other person know how you feel about what you just described. We are looking for feeling statements as opposed to thoughts. 

I feel afraid... is a feeling statement that centers around my experience.

I feel you are throwing your life away… is a thought. (Notice we have switched the center of the sentence to be “you”.)

Feelings are the sensory information that lets us know about what is important to us. When you can label and share your feeling about something it often helps connect the other person with what you are saying and it tends to keep the conversation focused on your experience… which is easier for the other person to be receptive to. 

It also can be helpful to tone down the emotion if needed. The goal is to have the person receive the information in a way that they can actually carry it… and if I feel enraged, that might be too big for them to carry. I feel frustrated… might make the  message more accessible. We are aiming for both accuracy and effectiveness. 

Examples:

• I feel worried… 

• I feel afraid…

• I feel frustrated…

• I feel confused…

• I feel happy…

• I feel uncertain…

• I feel uncomfortable…

• I feel relieved…

• I feel concerned…

Request

You’ve just described what you don’t want. In this part of the statement you offer what you DO want. Be specific… brief… and positive. Positive here means the presence of something rather than the absence. We are pointing them towards the behaviors or the path that we want. It’s a lot easier to follow directions when we talk about what we DO want instead of what we don’t want.

Examples:

Negative statement —> Positive statement

• Stop yelling at me —> Please lower your voice

• Stop throwing your socks on the floor —> Please throw your socks in the hamper

• Don’t be late —> Please arrive by 5:00

• Don’t get too drunk at the party —> Please limit your drinking, it makes a big difference for me when you can stay more present

• Don’t drive home drunk —> Please take a cab home.

• Don’t be around me when you are high —> I love spending time with you when you haven’t been smoking pot

Inform

This last step lets the other person know what your response will be if they don’t follow your request. Ideally you let them know both how you will respond if they do follow your request (to highlight the positive path we are hoping they will take) and how you will respond if they don’t. 

It is important that whatever you say here is something that you can actually choose and that you are willing to follow through on. This isn’t a threat… it’s information. 

“Go to class or you will fail high school”… isn’t something you can deliver on. 

“Go to class or I will call your school counselor”.... is something you can actually choose.

“Go to class and I’ll keep out of your hair… but if I see another missed class this week I’ll need to call the school counselor so that I can receive more guidance around what to do as a parent.”   This option makes both paths clear and frames the conversation in a way where you are taking care of yourself. 

Examples:

“I’ll hang up the phone and talk with you tomorrow”

“I’ll leave the party early”

“I’ll spend the evening on my own”

“We’ll start eating dinner without you”

And here’s the thing. We aren’t saying this last part to make them do anything differently. We can’t make anyone do anything! The boundary is there so that you can take care of yourself. I need to call your school counselor because that’s what I need to do to feel like I am a caring and involved parent. I need to drive home early so that I’m not miserable at the party. I need to step out of this conversation as I’m not okay with being sworn at. We can try again tomorrow.

The goal is to take care of ourselves. And that, ultimately, is what boundaries are… not anything to control anyone else. They are ways we can take care of ourselves as we navigate the world. 

DIRI… all together now!

Examples:

• Last night when you went to the bar after work before coming home I felt a bit frustrated as I wanted to eat at 5:00 and enjoy dinner with you. Please come home after work tonight so we can share dinner together… but if you aren’t home by 5:15 the kids and I will start eating without you and you can figure out what you want to do for dinner on your own. I would love to have you there!!!

• When you’re high it’s harder to be around you as I feel lonely and disconnected from you. Please don’t smoke before we get together on Friday, I’d like to spend time with you! If you end up smoking beforehand, could you let me know so that we can reschedule? And…if you do show up stoned, I’m gonna jet early and we’ll just reconnect another time. 

• Or using an example from the Want/Willing/Won’t post: I really want to have this conversation, but when you start swearing at me I feel angry and it’s hard for me to stay calm and not be reactive. I’m okay with you swearing in general, but if you swear at me again I’m going to need to take a break from this conversation and we can reconnect later.

TIPS

You don’t have to use all the steps!

Some examples of partial DIRI steps:

• D only

  • You came home later than we agreed to and you didn’t let me know. 

• D and I

  • When you come home later than we agreed to and don’t let me know I start to worry about you and feel frustrated. 

• D and I and R

  • When you come home later than we agreed to and don’t let me know I start to worry about you and feel frustrated. Please send me a text if you are going to be more than 5 minutes late. 

• DIRI

  • When you come home later than we agreed to and don’t let me know I start to worry about you and feel frustrated. Please send me a text if you are going to be more than 5 minutes late. I want you to be able to use the car, but if you don’t follow through with coming home on time or communicate with me about what is going on I won’t feel comfortable letting you borrow it next time.

You might choose to make a request instead of setting a boundary (so, DIR and not do the last Inform). You might ask someone to put their socks in the hamper and decide that, with all of the other things going on in the home, that you are going to pick your battles and just let that one be. That’s a request. And that’s okay!

It’s also okay to ask for collaboration and help from your loved one.  Instead of informing about what you will do, ask them what they think will help. “When you miss class I feel concerned, What would help you show up more often?” (There I used Describe and I Feel but turned the Request into an open-ended question.)

Don’t feel locked into the Mad Libs structure… as with anything, use this tool as is best for you and your situation!

Many small conversations over time

We want these conversations to be small… short. Not a fight; we don’t want to put our Loved One in the position of defending their drinking, their drug use, or their behaviors…. This is more of a notification. Or a parking sign. “If you park here Monday through Friday between the hours of 9 and 6 your car will be towed. Just to let you know.”

Only Inform if you can follow through

If you say you are going to leave the party early if you are uncomfortable with their level of  intoxication, then if you get uncomfortable follow through and leave the party.  If it’s your birthday party or you will feel resentful for “having to leave” then that “Inform” might not be a good way to take care of yourself!  If you’re not sure you can follow through then only do the DIR. 

Practice where you can

Roleplay with a friend or counselor, write it out for yourself, practice where you can! These communication skills take practice and it’s okay to prepare! Even if you don’t follow your plan you will still be practicing the skills…. And that itself is a great investment.